Year Of Hell

[Suggested listening: Rolling Stones - Paint It Black]

What does one write about for their first blog post?

What does one write about at 1:45am in the morning?

Perhaps I should start at the beginning of the end leading to a new beginning and see if I can make sense of that.

2009 for me was the worst year of my life. It started with a monumentally horrible explosion to end a marriage that was already bad for many years. I won't go into blame at this stage as there is enough to go around for both myself and my ex-wife. I know what I did wrong and the things I have to live with.

Not having any friends or family here, I ended up with no where to live, nothing but a bag of clothes and my trusty iPod. This was soon followed by some of my possessions. My computer, 2 of my guitars, a couple of books, a chess set, a samurai sword and a lot of time to sit and think. (I did find a place to stay however.... A room in a pub... depressing right?..Damn Skippy)

Having so much time afforded me a visit to the doctors to see to the rasp in my voice that I had developed in December. A result I though of learning some songs by The Kinks, learning to beat-box, sing black metal and attempt Tibetan throat singing. None of which it turns out I was very good at... yet....


So, long story short... Suspected vocal nodules turned out to be Laryngeal Papillomatosis, which is a rare disease which cause tumors to grow, in this case on my vocal cords. As a result of this, and two bouts of surgery on my vocal cords, from late February until November 2009 I couldn't talk any louder than a quiet whisper, no matter how hard I tried. Not only very frustrating, but very alienating too. Friends and family stopped calling me as they couldn't hear me on the phone. Shop assistants would look at me like I was retarded when I went shopping. I ended up hiding in my room (at the pub), getting more depressed with each passing day.

Now add to this, an ex-wife who decides to get nasty and goes into hiding with our 3 children. So from Easter 2009 I couldn't see my beautiful children. The only ones who were keeping me strong enough to continue living and I had no idea where they even were.

I had so much horrible stuff going on and it seemed like it would never end. I couldn't cope and I wanted it all to end. With no end in sight to any of it there often seemed like only one logical choice. Somehow I refuse to go down that path but I'm pretty sure if that path found me... say.. random psycho drunk in the pub.. Almighty big truck or something... I wouldn't have minded one bit. I also admit, that some of those almighty big trucks DID look very appealing. Probably the closest I've ever been to suicide. I don't think many people know that.

All in all, 2009 was pretty bad. I really wanted to talk to my Dad but I could due to him passing away 6 years earlier. But that's another story. I really wanted to talk to anyone. But the ones I needed to talk to wouldn't listen and/or couldn't hear me, and to this day probably don't realise how detrimental that was to my well being.

Some people did listen however, thanks to facebook I reconnected with some old friends back in South Australia. You know who you are and I thank you all once again.

Some good did come out of all the bad however and although this phoenix hasn't fully risen from the ashes, I will. Will I be a better person or a worse person? Only time will tell. I'm aiming for better and have people who will tell me if I stray too far... I hope.

To end on a positive note, or 2... Plus some thank you's.

From living at the pub, I met some wonderful people. Nikki, Tam, Roen, Micka, Steve. Especially Nikki and Tam who without them, I probably wouldn't be still alive. I'll be eternally grateful to you girls.

Thanks to Dr McDonald and his magical cordozone tablets, my voice has come back. Not 100% and may never be but I can live with that. People actually call me now since they can hear me.

From 4th January 2010, my 35th birthday, I have been in constant contact with my 3 beautiful children, Ella Lilley, Rafferty Flash and Ava Poppy. You are my world little ones. Things have also been civil and even pleasant with my ex-wife.

I got to spend a lot of time with some old friends from South Australia, who also live here in Ballarat now. Rob, Fiona and Roy. Always a pleasure to be around, you are the greatest friends anyone could ever wish for.

Last but not least....Aimee, a big hug and thank you, and a story for another time.



[Suggested Additional Reading: Laryngeal Papillomatosis ]